Oh. My. Lawd.
337 Days have passed since I last spoke to you all, and probably a little bit less since I posted or was active on here. All of you have probably moved on a long time ago but hey, the break was well worth it. I can't say that I have come back with 5 million more images to grace my DeviantART page with but I can say that with all that time came a clarity that I did not have before.
For a long time, Ive felt like the work I created was shit. Pure utter shiny crap that lacked any reason or soul. Shooting images for magazines where the only goal was for a model to look hot and nothing else. Fuck their minds, souls or personalities, fuck any form of creative integritiy or dignity, it was about looking as damn hot as one can and fuck the rest.
Somewhere in all of that, I broke. I fell down into a whole and didn't want to surface again. The world was sick and shallow and I wanted my life and work to have meaning, not sex appeal. I stopped shooting and things changed. I needed to change
I took on a full-time job again. One that makes me damn happy as a Videographer / Animator / Photographer at a small boutique agency called Nicework. The people are rad, the job is good, and I am happy. It gave me the freedom to survive, and play with my art again, not because I had to adhere to a system I didn't agree to. I love the job itself too and has already helped me grow in many ways as an adult, a creative and person.
I sold quite a lot of my gear and cut back on buying new gear so that I can save and invest in what I want to do now.
I spent days, weeks, months soul searching and finding out what makes me want to shoot. Why did I even begin and why did I fall out of love with something that began as me expressing myself. How could I go wrong with me wanting to show me ?
There was blood, sweat and tears. There were great times and terrible times. I was broken down to the point where the act of shooting was something which created more fear than excitedness. It became this overwhelming weight on my shoulders, that grew every time I wasn't able to achieve the kind of image my soul craved. The image that reflected what I was really about. Every failure became the fuel for the next shoot, which in its inevitable demise, fueled the cycle evermore. It was a giant flaming fireball that grew with every shoot until it exploded.
Where do I stand now ?
Im shooting less but thinking more.
With the beginning of a new project with a friend of mine, a new job and a new way of shooting, I feel like I am walking that path slowly but surely will find my way.
Am I on here as much these days ?
Not so much, but I will be back. Once I know that the story I want to say is being told.
Love to you all and see you soon(er than you think ).